happy 10th year, Sarah 🤍

Assalamualaikum and hi guys~

I hope it’s not too late to wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya. 🤍

Maaf zahir & batin.

It’s already April, and somehow, we are now entering Q2 of the year.

Time has been moving so fast, and honestly… life has been feeling a little heavier, a little stranger, and a little more emotional than I expected.

Okie, here's the life update:

There was once a time when I'm planning to stop everything in october.

That was the plan I had quietly made in my mind. Okeylah, we can say it a very dark and lonely plan.

But somehow, life shifted.

Plans changed.

And now, something is waiting for me in November.

I don’t know yet whether that “something” will be good, painful, healing, or life-changing.

But for the first time in a while, I find myself still here… waiting to see what comes next.

And other than that…

Recently, I met someone. Okay not recently lah. Few months knowing him ady. But recently, he reminds me so much of my dearest Sarah.

The cheekiness.

The little actions.

The way he carries certain energy.

The way his presence stirs something in me.

It’s almost terrifying how similar it feels.

And because of that, my entire day today has turned into drama air mata.

I’ve been crying since last night, and I think deep down, it’s because meeting someone like that reopened a part of me that never truly healed.

A part of me that still misses Sarah.

And I do.

I miss her so much.

It has been 7 years since she went missing from my life, yet somehow, the ache still feels so fresh.

Some people leave, but they never really leave your heart.

No matter how much time passes, no matter how much life moves on, there will always be a part of me that carries her memory so gently, so quietly, and so deeply.

Wherever she is now, I truly hope she is happy.

I hope life has been kind to her.

I hope she is surrounded by peace, by love, and by people who protect her heart.

And above all, I pray that Allah always keeps her safe and protected no matter what.

Because despite everything…

I will always have love for her.

Always.

And if one day, somehow, life brings her back to me, I just want her to know that

I would still accept her.

Even in her worst condition.

Even if life has changed her.

Even if she comes back carrying pain, scars, regrets, or broken pieces.

I would still choose to love her.

Unconditionally.

Some people are written into your soul in a way that time cannot erase.

And maybe Sarah will always be one of those people for me.

So that’s my little heart update.

Filled with memories, tears, unanswered feelings, and quiet hope.

Maybe healing is not always about forgetting.

Maybe sometimes, healing is simply learning how to keep loving from afar with sincerity, with prayer, and with an open heart.

Happy 10th year Sarah. 🤍

The End Is Near?

Assalamualaikum and hi guys!

It’s been a while, right? I was scrolling through my old entries and realized the last time I wrote here was when I was just about to start my new job. And now, as I’m typing this, I’m already approaching my 6th month. Crazy… really crazy. Time moves so fast, and honestly, I didn’t even notice how far I’ve come until I paused and reflected like this.

To be completely honest, I still can’t believe I’ve managed to stay and keep going in such a fast-paced environment. There were so many moments where I doubted myself, where I felt like I wasn’t good enough, or that maybe I couldn’t keep up. But somehow, I’m still here — showing up every day, doing my best, and learning along the way.

Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah. All praise to Allah for giving me the strength, the patience, and the resilience to go through it all. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without His guidance.

These past almost six months have been nothing short of a rollercoaster. There were good days that made me feel proud and motivated, and there were also tough days that drained me mentally and emotionally. Some experiences just pass by like a breeze — I barely remember them now. But some… they stay. They linger quietly at the back of my mind, revisiting me when I least expect it.

I guess that’s the thing about past trauma — it doesn’t just disappear. Sometimes it follows you into new chapters of your life, showing up in your fears, your doubts, and the way you see yourself. And even when you try to move forward, there are moments where it pulls you back, even just for a little while.

But I’m learning. Slowly, but surely. I’m learning that healing is not a straight path. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to accept that it’s okay to have bad days, and that it’s okay to not have everything figured out yet.

And maybe… just maybe, staying this long is already a small victory for me.

I Have a Job! Learning and Managing Myself

Hey… it feels like it’s been forever since I last posted anything here. It really has been a while, huh? So here’s a quick life update — I got a new job! A fun one. Okay, maybe not fun fun, but still fun enough for someone neurodivergent like me.

It’s been a month since I started, and honestly, I’ve learned so much. I’m still adapting though. Before this, I used to freak out about being late — I used to arrive at office 1 hour earlier than my actual working hour (bro— my working hour starts at 9am. T^T But right now, as I’m typing this, it’s 8.58am, and I’m literally on the LRT with my bestie, on the way to the office. Hshshs. It's not that bad actually~

The best part is, I’m slowly learning to manage my anxiety and ADHD. Can’t wait for payday — I really want to go for a proper diagnosis soon. The work here can be fast-paced, and I can be a bit slow at picking things up. It’s not that people have to repeat stuff for me, it’s just… sometimes when someone tells me something at 12pm, it only clicks at 8pm Or the next day. :')

But I’m so grateful for my amazing coworkers. D, Z, T and S. Seriously, they’re the best. They’ve taught me so much — not just about work, but about how to work in team (not that nasyid group InTeam la), social stuff, and just… how to function better as a human being, I guess??? Ahhhh I’m so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

Still, even with all the improvements I’ve made, there are many things I’m still struggling with. I still scared to ask questions, to make decisions when people are waiting on me, and to speak up in case I say something wrong. I take feedback way too seriously (ugh, F my hypersensitive self). And yeah… I still throw up whenever I get too anxious or stressed. Only God knows how many times I’ve cried in the toilet because of it. It's painful tho. Seriously~

But something beautiful happened too — I’ve gotten to explore myself deeper. I just realized I’m a very structured person. Even though I’m neurodivergent, I can’t handle it when my routine gets messy. I’d rather go through the hard way as long as everything falls into place perfectly. And I have my own way to solve things. When I said own way, the way can be ridiculous sometimes. hshshs

So yeah... happy one-month work anniversary to me! Here’s to improving day by day. With commissions coming in, maybe I can even start saving for my wedding next year (inspired by my team leader, her 2-month commission could literally cover a wedding hall for 250 guests! Craaaazyyyy!!!)

That’s all for now, I guess. Happy weekend, and goodbye October. <3

Dysphoria

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Just want to write a short entry and share that I just sent my application to be a BM teacher — it's kinda contradicting what I said before, right?

I’ve always been someone with a plan. A map for my future, detailed and color-coded. I thought if I just worked hard enough, followed the steps, and hit all the right markers, I'd eventually arrive at a destination I could call "success." But lately, it feels like every road I've taken has led to a dead end. Every plan I've meticulously crafted has fallen apart, leaving me standing in the middle of a messy intersection with no GPS signal and no clue where to turn next. The constant cycle of building something up only to watch it crumble has worn me down, and I'm starting to feel like the only thing I'm an expert at is failure.

So, I’ve decided to try something new, something that goes against every fiber of my being (learnt a new idiom today). Instead of fighting against the current, I'm just letting myself float. I'm letting others make the decisions, taking on things that aren't my passion, and saying "yes" to things I would have normally said "no" to. It’s easier this way, isn't it? To just follow the path of least resistance and do what makes other people happy (sheesh, that sounds cliche), even if it leaves me feeling empty. 

Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to let go of the steering wheel. Or maybe it's just a temporary detour. Part of me hopes that by giving up control, I’ll somehow stumble upon the right path, but another part of me worries that I'm just getting lost in the crowd. I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I'm trying to find peace in the uncertainty and a way to navigate this new, aimless journey.

*crying*

Fafa | 3:47AM

Silent Reader Bukan Silent Killer

 Assalamualaikum and hi!!

Wow, aku login blog ni. Wow.

Lately ni kan, aku macam into reading blog balik tau. Cuma sekarang ni dah tak baca dekat blogger/wordpress la. Hari tu, ada US influencer ni share writing dia dekat Substack. Lepastu dua tiga hari lepas ada user dekat tiktok ni share notes yang dia buat masa pergi FTIS dekat Substack tu juga. Ok, at this point, aku curious apa benda Substack ni. maka aku pun install and sign up. Hm, dia macam twitter, tapi ada macam blog jugak. so dia hybrid twitter x blogger? Lebih kuranglah.

Lepas tu, bulan lepas ada follower of follower ni dia share writing dia dekat medium.com. So aku pun explore la medium.com tu. Cuma disebabkan medium.com tu aku tengok macam baru lagi, jadi aku baca dalam diam jela, takdelah nak sign up and follow dia. Aku tak sure kenapa aku buat macam tu. Mungkin aku agak paranoid and takut orang fikir aku stalker (tapi memang hang ex stalker pun. -..-)

Lama jugak aku buat perangai baca penulisan orang diam-diam ni. Especially kat Wattpad. Since 2016 aku jadi silent reader, tahun 2025 lah baru aku expose dekat writers yang aku follow ni -- saya fans abang since 2016~

Tapi kan, Tuhan je tahu betapa aku overthinking lepas aku bagitahu yang aku dah lama follow account dorang ni. Padahal aku silent reader je, bukan silent killer :')

Jadi, lepas meng-exposed diri sendiri... adakah aku -- ah forget it. Aku still akan jadi silent reader. 

kbye.

ps: wow, dah subuh.

Sedekad Fafa Baca Buku Fixi

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

Ah, sekejap je dah nak tengah bulan Ramadan. Sekejap betul masa berlalu.

By the way, blogpost harini kinda special. I'm celebrating 10 years as Buku Fixi reader. Kenapa aku nak celebrate sedekad baca buku ni? Sebab sejak I baca Buku Fixi 10 years ago, I dah tak baca buku publisher lain. Okay tak, tipu. adalah aku beli buku suami isteri influencer (hint: A&A). Okay back to the story, aku rasa sentimental gila sebab aku baca Buku Fixi dari form 4 sampai sekarang aku dah mid (read: hujung) 20s. Okay aku tak tahu apa yang aku merepek actually.

Tapi kan sebenarnya, tajuk kat atas ni yang paling tepat is celebrate sedekad jadi Sapitzoners tau. Sebab dari hari pertama aku kenal Buku Fixi, sampai sekarang, buku Sapit je yang aku collect dan baca. Like aku ada semua buku dia kot. AWAN & AJAIB tu cover lama dengan cover baru dedua aku ada. In 2018 baru aku start beli buku penulis lain like Nadia Khan, Gina dll...

Tak faham sebenarnya kenapa aku nak tulis entry celebrate 10 tahun membaca FIXI ni. padahal orang lain ada yang baca lagi lama dari aku. Mungkin sebab kenangan yang terkumpul sepanjang 10 tahun ni atau sebab aku ada -- ok staph.

Takpelah, anggap jela ni satu blogpost untuk aku cukupkan kpi blog posting tahun 2025 hahaha!

So, goals aku untuk 2025 ni, aku nak banyakkan beli dan baca buku penulis lain. 

sekian terima kasih dan selamat 15 Ramadan~ 

nota kaki: wow, entri ni punya tergantung sampai dah nak awal muharram dah. hahaha.nak sambung lagi ke eh?

Sambungan

So, sekarang ni dah bulan June. Bulan lepas aku pergi lah PBAKL. Tahun ni kan, kemain ya aku buat cookies untuk crew fixi & penulis fixi. Err yakin ke ni aku nak publish entri ni? Tapi benda dah tulis, 

Takpelah.. kalau tak publish pun, duduk jela kamu dalam draft ni. hahahah

Ok, sambung.

Aku sempat ya buatkan biskut untuk Sapit & Cashier kat booth Fixi tu (specifically Kak Michelle). Bukan tu je, aku sempat jugak pergi hantar biskut tu dekat "penjaga" toko Fixi (baca: Pepol Rahadian).

Oh, lepastu tahu tak, tahun ni, Buku Fixi ada banyak gila merchandise. Aku ni dah lah duit tak ramai. kalau ikut wishlist ni banyak jugak yang nak. Tapi takpelah.. kita beli mana yang utama la (Read: buku sapit hahaha). Plus, hari yang aku datang tu pun session Sapit je yang aku sempat join. So prioritize on his book la untuk dapatkan otograp. Then, aku ingat sampai situ je. Eh tak, esoknya datang lagi... Terbeli pulak canvas tote bag AIB since belum ada lagi merch AIB kan.

I guess tu je kot. Ni kalau aku sambung ni dia jadi tah apa-apa tah. So better aku end entri ni kat sini. Harapan aku, blogpost ni takde siapa yang jumpa walaupun blog aku ni terang-terangan public. hahaha.

ok. salam awal muharram.

see you when i see you. xo

update 16.625: Tau tak, beberapa hari ni aku ada la conversation dengan Ariff Adly. Aku bagilah dia baca stories dekat wattpad aku. lepastu aku pun tengok lah balik wattpad aku. Aku rasa kan, aku tahu kenapa Buku FIXI ni sentimental sangat untuk aku. Sebab Buku Fixi ni reminds me of my highschool life. Masa tu kan.. Life aku sumpah fuck up gila sebab aku kena tukar sekolah. dah form 4 baru nak tukar sekolah memang susahnya nak buat kawan. Tapi kan, buku KACAU, AWAN & AJAIB yang buat aku ada kawan. Masa tu pun aku rasa inspired gila nak jadi penulis macam penulis2 ni. tu yang rasa kelakar bila chat dengan ariff adly sebab he's one of yang inspired aku menulis kat wattpad tu hahaha. ok tu jela ok bye.

ps: banyak nama yang aku mention ni. harap dorang tak jumpa posting ni kalau dorang search nama sendiri kat gugel. huhuhu

30 Things To Do Before 30

Assalamualaikum and hi guys!

Selamat hari ketiga tahun 2025! Oh my God, macam tak percaya je dah 2025. Aku pun tak lama lagi dah nak masuk 30 tahun. (okay dia sebenarnya masih ada beberapa tahun lagi tapi rasa macam beberapa tahun tu takdelah lama mana. macam sekarang ni, aku rasa macam baru je aku tender surat resign awal tahun 2024 haritu, tiba-tiba dah 2025)

Jadi berbalik kepada tajuk entri hari ini, aku dulu pernah lah buat macam checklist masa aku sekolah menengah dulu. Kononnya 20 things to do before 20. Alhamdulillah 18/20 checklist tu tertunai. Jadi masa umur aku baru nak masuk 20, aku terus plan 30 things to do before 30. Tapi masalahnya, aku rasa banyak lagi ni goal aku tak tercapai huhuhu. 

dah beberapa tahun dah checklist ni tapi tak sampai separuh pun yang tertunai. aku dah start nak giveup ni. tapi aku taknak give up lagi. takpe... kita tengok, dalam 2025, berapa banyak list kita boleh tunaikan. hehe

bye.