Dysphoria

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Just want to write a short entry and share that I just sent my application to be a BM teacher — it's kinda contradicting what I said before, right?

I’ve always been someone with a plan. A map for my future, detailed and color-coded. I thought if I just worked hard enough, followed the steps, and hit all the right markers, I'd eventually arrive at a destination I could call "success." But lately, it feels like every road I've taken has led to a dead end. Every plan I've meticulously crafted has fallen apart, leaving me standing in the middle of a messy intersection with no GPS signal and no clue where to turn next. The constant cycle of building something up only to watch it crumble has worn me down, and I'm starting to feel like the only thing I'm an expert at is failure.

So, I’ve decided to try something new, something that goes against every fiber of my being (learnt a new idiom today). Instead of fighting against the current, I'm just letting myself float. I'm letting others make the decisions, taking on things that aren't my passion, and saying "yes" to things I would have normally said "no" to. It’s easier this way, isn't it? To just follow the path of least resistance and do what makes other people happy (sheesh, that sounds cliche), even if it leaves me feeling empty. 

Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to let go of the steering wheel. Or maybe it's just a temporary detour. Part of me hopes that by giving up control, I’ll somehow stumble upon the right path, but another part of me worries that I'm just getting lost in the crowd. I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I'm trying to find peace in the uncertainty and a way to navigate this new, aimless journey.

*crying*

Fafa | 3:47AM